Came Back Wrong
by ScrawledThoughts
Summary: Buffy reflects on the one person who can make her go in circles. B/S, Buffy POV.


I can't believe this is happening.  
  
To me, of all people.  
  
The Slayer. Slayer comma the. The Chosen One.  
  
It must be karma of some kind. What else could explain my ironic knack for finding myself always drawn to those I am destined to kill? God, I want him. Have always wanted him. Ever since he showed his sexy face in Sunnydale, I've found myself attracted to him. I was actually kind of disappointed when Mom whacked him over the head with that axe and chased him away. I wanted him then, but didn't even realize it.  
  
I want him even more now.  
  
What I can't even begin to comprehend is how someone can make me so mad and get me so horny at the same time. Half the time I wish William the Bloody never even set foot here, and the other half of the time I have the urge to jump his undead bones.   
  
No matter how many times I get angry with Spike about spying on me, I get slightly aroused as well. I imagine him watching me through my window. I get a little oddly pleased and tingly from this. Knowing I'm someone's wet dream. A little weird, yes, but extremely flattering and a huge turn-on. Yeah, I'm messed up. This I know.  
  
He told me this when I was kicking his ass.   
  
"Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong."  
  
I came back wrong. He said it to scare me, but it hit home. Big time.   
  
But ever since I... got back, let's say, he has been the only one to really understand me. The gang was all-helpful, but they basically wanted me to get over it and start living again- literally. They were always in my face telling me to do this and don't do that, when all I really wanted was to be able to deal with this by myself.   
  
Spike let me take my time. He never spoke out against what I was doing and how slowly I was recovering. He understood what I was going through, after all- he was undead, which was as close to my once-status as anyone could be. And as I recovered, he was always right there by my side. He helped me get back to the norm and figure out how things were now. Spike let me cry out all my pains or bitch at his face to relieve my anger. And he never fought back once.   
  
But now, I feel as though we're growing closer each night that we are together. Whether it's the silent patrols or the movie-watching time at my home, I feel...warm feelings for the blonde vampire that I once called my enemy.   
  
He is my lover, my best friend, my love, my oldest adversary and staunchest ally.  
  
We're not a normal couple. We can never be married in the classic sense, never have children, never stop fighting the forces of darkness that rise up and strike out against the world. And we're both okay with that.  
  
Just because I have a sacred duty that classifies as tops in the 'high risk' job field doesn't mean I can't live a long,   
healthy life...or die next week. My life is no more set in stone than the average human that could step out into the street tomorrow and get squished by a bus.  
  
That's what makes life interesting and so very precious...the not knowing.  
  
Hate him, hate him so much...stupid vampire, stupid, stupid vampire...  
  
I hate him! I hate the way he can always see past my lies. I hate the way he knows everything about me...almost everything...while he still remains a mystery. I hate the way he talks, walks and speaks! I hate the way he can speak the truth and know it is so. I hate the way he never lies to me and the way he can see through me...read me like an open book.  
  
I hate the way he can push my buttons. I hate the way he had touched me and said he loved me during Willow's spell. I hate being on the same planet with him.  
  
I hate the way he looks at me with those unfathomable eyes and I hate the way he looks...all sexy and with his bad edge. I hate his shoes, his clothes, his coat and his accent! I hate the way he knows me, inside and out...understands me more then anyone I have ever known; Angel, Giles and my mom included! I hate him because he won't change. I hate the way his cool skin feels beneath my fingertips...silky smooth and hard.  
  
I hate the way he fights, the way he banters back and forth with me. I hate the way he could hurt me. I hate the way he holds me. I hate the way he laughs and I really hate his smile!  
  
But mostly, I hate him for making me love all those things about him.  
  
I'm afraid.  
  
I'm afraid this is what I want. 


End file.
